I am not alone.

I am lucky to live in a world full of people who care deeply about their pets, provide the best food, medical treatment and training.  Through the course of my journey, I have met a lot of people who are doing incredible feats caring for ‘santucary’ animals (older dogs animals needing homes for their final years), dogs who have special behavioral needs, and of course, people who are amazing at rescue.

There are a LOT of saints out there.  People who do incredible work and I’m always just amazed at the lengths they will go to for the love of an animal.

It is easy to feel inadequate when your Facebook feed is filled with people doing amazing work, changing the fate of one dog at a time or trying to re-shape the way people think about a ownership.  The people I have met have written books, published studies, won national competitions, are leaders in breed organizations, or just peck away day by day at  saving dogs. I’ve honestly met many people who will or have already left a true  legacy on some aspect of dog ownership.  

And the more I tell my Mojo story, the more I realize that there are a lot of people like me.  Owners who care deeply for their dogs, invest their money, free time and energy into building a life around dogs, but find at some point a trouble with a particular animal they can no longer handle.

Many many years ago, I pledged a sorority in college, but was not chosen.  I was told that I ‘saw the world as only black and white’ and they were right.  Over the 20 + years of life experience since then, I have learned how many beautiful shades of gray there are.  I did a project once for a class that actually required me to show 30 shades of gray, all done in pencil from white to black.  When I did that project, I thought often of that original statement and continue to think of it today.

Our Facebook/Social life is a beautiful thing, but it is easy to throw around superlatives like ‘Always’ and ‘never’.  I’ve seen so many posts about dogs being like children ‘you wouldn’t abandon your child would you’?  But people are always making choices for their children, sending them to be with relatives or military school, or outpatient treatment when they truly need help.  Are you ready to make a judgement call on a parent who has had the life of one child threatened by another?

While we deeply want to, it is not for us to judge, these decisions are deeply personal and deeply heart breaking.  And look, I’m not stupid, there are a lot of asshole parents and asshole dog owners in the world who just do ‘whatever’.  But I have learned there are SO many of us, dog owners (and parents) who have made a choice, a choice that is right for us, the dog and the rest of our household that isn’t a decision a saint would make.

i am not a saint.  I gave Mojo back to his breeder because I feared for his life and my ability to keep him safe without getting hurt.  I couldn’t live with myself if that happened.  But I’m not going to lie . . .the last two days have been infinitely less stressful.  I can go about my day without worrying about fights, but also without constant frenetic energy, constant barking, constant marking.  I can train Meisje without barking in the background.  I can go to the bathroom and my house is quiet.  Life is, well, normal. And damn peaceful.

I’ve learned through this journey that I am not alone in rehoming a dog. Someone told me it was 2 years and 3 sets of stitches for their other dog.  Another person told me it was 5 years after just a litany of terrible daily events.  Another one told me the dog was put down after it almost killed its lifelong companion.  AND in every case of rehoming, the dog was in a MUCH better situation than it was with them.  Why would we begrudge ANYONE, let alone ourselves for making such a choice?

I re-homed a dog 7 years ago-it was such a great move for him and my other dog.  They both were so much happier and he has a great home (the same one, I check in every year or so).  Yet for that, I’ve always felt a lot of guilt, despite how WELL everything turned out.  I’ve felt like getting a dog is a lifetime commitment and if I fail, that somehow I should be punished-even if just by my own conscious because once again, I see it as black and white.

But living with dogs (and people) is not black and white.  People get divorced, people die, children grow, we move, we change.  Life changes.  And we do our best to face those challenges, but it is OK to not be perfect.  We are not alone, none of us are our perfect.  We have to make choices, many hard ones, many difficult ones, but hopefully the right ones that will lead us to more peace of mind (or a safer home or a healthier life).